


my biggest mistake was thinking we had all the time in the world

by tetsuya_nigou



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Amnesia, First Time, Fluff and Humor, Light Angst, M/M, No Underage Sex, Slice of Life, background established TianShan, guess which one of them cries during sex, intimate hair tying, sexually charged basketball, they are 19 going on 20
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-10-07
Packaged: 2019-07-11 12:28:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15972323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tetsuya_nigou/pseuds/tetsuya_nigou
Summary: “Physically, he'll heal up fine. But Zhengxi…” He Tian trails off and heaves a sigh, “Jian Yi has retrograde amnesia. It’s severe - he doesn't fucking remember anything. The damage to his hippocampus is so great, the past sixteen years were basically wiped out.”Zhengxi's breath starts to hitch again. “Everything? All of it?” he asks, his voice sounding hollow.All of the two of us, just gone?he means.“He doesn't remember you, Zhengxi.”~~*~~Not quite as angsty as an amnesia fic should be probably, somewhere in the middle it morphed into a romcom





	1. Prologue

 

_PROLOGUE_

 

Zhan Zhengxi shifts the strap of his bag on his shoulder as he makes his way up the narrow path. He's climbed these steps several times in the past few years - always by himself, except on one memorable occasion.

It will be for the last time tonight, he decided on the bus ride over. It would be a symbolic end to three years of fruitless searching; with neither a single telephone call nor email nor letter nor note tied to a homing pigeon to give him even the faintest glimmer of hope, Zhengxi tells himself it's time to move on. No better time than the present, with graduation around the corner and his first year in medical school coming up in the fall.

The view at the top, with the twinkling lights of the city mirrored a thousandfold in the starlit sky, takes his breath away as it always does, but his heart feels heavy as he sets his bag down and crumples into a heap on the grass.

He takes a sparkler from his bag and lights it, a lump in his throat already forming. He closes his eyes and makes the same wish he does every time he makes this pilgrimage, even though the chances of it ever coming true grow slimmer with each passing year.

"I said I would protect you," he says, "I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise."

He's alone with only the stars as witnesses, but he waits until the sparkler dies out and his face is hidden in shadow before he lets the tears flow freely.

"Happy birthday, Jian Yi."

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some timeline notes:  
> Jian Yi reappears four years after he was kidnapped. Google tells me the equivalent of high school in China takes three years, so Zhengxi has completed one year of medical school (which Google also informs me you can attend straight after high school) and has just begun his second. They're about nineteen/twenty I guess?
> 
> There are time skips of several days or weeks between the 'days' in the next three chapters, but after that it's consecutive days/nights ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
> Please ignore the geography, whenever I tried to map places I kept getting weird shit like 'it will take 27 minutes by metro, or 6 hours by bus, and no bike route can be found between the two points'
> 
> Also I am new to the fandom and have no beta, but I hope you enjoy this fic!
> 
> Next chapter - the reunion!


	2. Okaeri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hands you a Makkachin tissue box*

 

_ONE DAY_

 

Zhan Zhengxi’s half dozing in the barber’s chair when he gets the call. The caller ID takes him by surprise; usually he gets a text or a message, never a phone call. It doesn't bode well.

He gives a nod of apology to his barber before picking up the call. "He Tian? Everything alright?”

“Zhengxi,” He Tian says without preamble, “he’s back.”

Zhengxi's glad his barber's just about finished, merely brushing off the bits of hair off his gown now, because his entire body starts to shake. “Don't fuck with me, He Tian,” he warns, voice trembling.

“Hangzhou Third, room 302,” He Tian answers, “But Zhengxi, wait! Listen to me -”

Zhengxi doesn’t bother, just hangs up the phone. Everything is a blur after that and then he’s pedaling as hard as he can to the train station.

 

* * *

 

When Zhengxi arrives at the appointed hospital room he finds He Tian guarding the door, arms crossed.

Zhengxi takes in a few deep breaths to regain his composure. “He Tian,” he pleads.

“You hung up on me, you dick,” He Tian says irritably, “I won’t let you see him until you listen to me, Zhengxi. Don’t be rash, this is important.”

Zhengxi makes a quick mental calculation and decides that it would be quicker to listen to what He Tian has to say than to try and fight his way to the door. “Make it quick.”

“Jian Yi was in an accident about two weeks ago - steady!” He Tian grabs Zhengxi by the shoulders when he makes a move to run past him. “Fucking _stop_ , Zhengxi.”

He Tian lets go as soon as Zhengxi's breaths even out.

“Physically, he'll heal up fine. But Zhengxi…” He Tian trails off and heaves a sigh, “Jian Yi has retrograde amnesia. It’s severe - he doesn't fucking remember anything. The damage to his hippocampus is so great, the past sixteen years were basically wiped out.”

Zhengxi's breath starts to hitch again. “Everything? All of it?” he asks, his voice sounding hollow. _All of the two of us, just gone?_ he means.

“He doesn't remember you, Zhengxi.”

Zhengxi closes his eyes and fights the tears, swallows the lump in his throat. “But he's okay.” _He’s alive._

He Tian's relieved Zhengxi’s taking the news so calmly, but he’s not exactly surprised given his disposition. “Well he's walking and talking and he’s pretty cheerful considering,” He Tian says, “but it would take a shit-ton of therapy to try and gain his memories back, and even then the chances of that happening are pretty slim.”

Zhengxi covers his face with his hands, and He Tian can see how hard he’s trying to keep it together.

“I told Jian Yi some friends would be coming by to say hello, but I want you to be prepared and not get your hopes up, because the way he is right now, you’ll just be one among many.”

_No one special._

“Listen, Zhengxi,” He Tian says in a gentler tone, “if you need more time, he’ll be stuck in here for the next few days, you can come back later.”

“Thanks, He Tian,” Zhengxi says numbly, “but I’ll see him now.”

“Suit yourself,” He Tian says with a shrug. He wasn’t really expecting Zhengxi to take the offer, not when the event he's been waiting for for four years finally happened. He takes out his cigarette case and walks toward the exit.

 

* * *

 

Zhengxi opens the door cautiously.

The sight of his best friend, sickly pale but otherwise lying peacefully in the hospital bed, sends a flood of relief and joy through him. His first instinct is to rush over and hold him close and never let him go.

Then Jian Yi opens his eyes and looks at him, and Zhengxi thinks getting hit on the head repeatedly with rocks is a thousand times less painful than this, because the smile Jian Yi directs at him is sweet and welcoming but completely devoid of recognition.

_His_ Jian Yi would have shouted his name _ZHAN! ZHENG! XI!,_ leapt out of bed, and clung to him like a limpet.

_This_ Jian Yi merely says “Hey,” hesitantly, shyly - as if, Zhengxi thinks, they were meeting for the very first time.

Zhengxi approaches the bed carefully, hands tucked into the pockets of his sweatpants to prevent him from reaching out and touching.

“Hey Jian Yi, I… I’m really glad you’re back.” Zhengxi’s voice falters as a sudden wave of sickness overtakes him. “Sorry, I just need a minute,” he grits out, hand over his mouth.

He runs out of the room and retches into the nearest waste bin.

 

* * *

 

Zhengxi spends several minutes in the men’s room, rinsing his mouth, drying his tears, attempting to tamp down on the rising panic.

When he finally gathers enough courage to return, he finds Jian Yi sitting on the bench outside his room, concern written all over his face as he searches up and down the hall.

Zhengxi rushes over to him. “Jian Yi, you shouldn’t be out of bed!,” he cries out, alarmed, “Come on, I’ll help you.”

“I’m fine! I’m more worried about you,” Jian Yi says, but he doesn’t try to stop Zhengxi when he takes his hand and leads him back into the room.

Zhengxi tucks Jian Yi back into bed, fiddles with the attached remote to bring him up to an upright position, fluffs the pillows and smooths out the blankets, his hands in constant frenzied motion, always close but never touching.

“Hey, this is fine, it’s perfect,” Jian Yi says, and Zhengxi quickly stuffs his hands back in his pockets.

“Sorry,” Zhengxi mumbles. He looks down, scuffs his sneakers on the linoleum. After a long pause he adds, “I’m really glad you’re home in one piece, Jian Yi. It’s so good to see you. I -” he swallows the _I missed you so much_ ; they're practically strangers now, after all.

“You got really upset,” Jian Yi says timidly, “We must have been very close?”

Zhengxi huffs out a weak laugh. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

Jian Yi pats the bed beside him, and Zhengxi sits down gratefully, his knees threatening to give out any second.

“Were we like, best friends or something?”

Zhengxi clutches the blanket so hard his knuckles go white. And despite his best effort to hold them in for Jian Yi’s sake, the tears start to fall anyway. "Fuck. I’m so sorry, Jian Yi, I thought I was stronger than this.” He makes a move to stand up. “I should come back another time.”

“Hey, it’s really okay, you don't need to go,” Jian Yi says, tugging lightly on Zhengxi's t-shirt to stop him from leaving. Then he gives Zhengxi another one of those unfamiliar, shy smiles. “Need a hug?” he asks tentatively, his cheeks pinking. He doesn't wait for Zhengxi’s reply, which would have been a reluctant no anyway, he just reaches out and wraps his arms around his waist.

Zhengxi doesn’t know exactly how it happens - maybe it’s because he’s always been just slightly broader, just a scant few centimeters taller than Jian Yi, or maybe it’s just the way their bodies fit together naturally - but it's Zhengxi who ends up cradling Jian Yi in his arms.

“Jian Yi,” he whispers reverently, running a hand through his hair which is just as soft as he remembers it.

“I hate to ask at a time like this,” Jian Yi mumbles apologetically into Zhengxi’s shirt, “but could you just remind me what your name is?”

Zhengxi’s heart, on the mend mere seconds ago, shatters into a million pieces.

 

* * *

 

Outside the hospital, Zhengxi catches sight of He Tian snubbing out a cigarette and moves to stand beside him. They both remain silent for several minutes, neither one much for small talk.

“He Tian, no one has ever told me shit about Jian Yi's family situation, so I don’t know what your role was in all this,” Zhengxi says haltingly, “but thank you. For bringing him back.”

He Tian merely shrugs and toys with his cigarette case. Zhengxi’s tempted to grab it out of his hands - god knows how many he’s smoked today already, and it’s been almost two hours since Zhengxi first arrived to when visiting hours ended. Has he been out here the entire time, chain smoking?

But He Tian has deep shadows under his eyes, and his shoulders are hunched in exhaustion, so Zhengxi leaves him to it and says instead, “But I think I deserve to know what happened, if only to protect him -”

He Tian cuts him off abruptly. “You can’t, Zhengxi. You can’t protect him, you never could. This whole fucking thing,” he continues, waving around a new cigarette, “is way above your head.”

Zhengxi’s jaw tightens. “I felt so fucking useless these past few years, He Tian. How can I help him, how can I be there for him if I’m constantly kept in the dark?”

“So that’s how it is, huh?” He Tian sneers, “One look at Jian Yi and suddenly fucking your way through college isn’t enough anymore?”

Zhengxi hits him, hard, quick as lightning.

He Tian has just enough time to shoot him a mildly impressed look before the next hit comes, but this time he’s ready for it, blocks it easily, crushes Zhengxi’s fist until he winces and his entire body deflates. The anger subsides, but pain and helplessness settle in its stead. He Tian lets go.

“Shit. I’m sorry Zhengxi, I didn’t mean that, I shouldn’t have said it.” He Tian rubs his eyes tiredly and sighs. "I was there the whole time, I watched as you almost flunked out of high school for fuck’s sake. It was actually a huge relief when I heard through the grapevine that you had moved on, started dating. I’m just so fucking exhausted, man, I need sleep. Immediately.”

Zhengxi looks away and says nothing, but He Tian observes his jaw relaxing minutely. 

"I left him my phone number for when he gets a new phone," Zhengxi says. "Until then, just text me with updates, please, He Tian."

He Tian nods. They stand next to each other in silence for several long minutes, but then again that's par for the course when dealing with Zhengxi. Out of the corner of his eye he observes Zhengxi's strong but stoic profile. Not for the first time does He Tian marvel at his impassiveness; Jian Yi was the only one who could get a good read on him.  

He Tian had always thought there was something cosmic about Jian Yi and Zhan Zhengxi’s love. Like it was written in the stars, like rending them apart would cause a tear in the fabric of the universe.

But He Tian is their friend, and he would feel undeserving of that title if - knowing that Zhengxi is unlikely to survive another separation, and knowing that Jian Yi’s family situation makes it impossible to guarantee that he won’t disappear again - he didn’t at least try to keep them apart, to spare them the pain and agony. Besides, who better to put a tear in the fabric of the universe than He Tian himself?

“You know, Zhengxi,” he says conversationally, blowing a column of smoke up at the stars, “Jian Yi doesn’t need you anymore. He remembers jack shit from when you were kids, so you’re free from any childish promises, free from the responsibility of your linked past. You could literally walk away from all of this.”

Zhengxi remains stock-still. He Tian kind of wants to tickle him to make sure he hasn't been replaced by a robot.

He Tian goes on, “And you don’t need to concern yourself with his safety; from your little display earlier, I can already tell that you’re no match for the professionals who are protecting him now.” (His asshole brother being one of them.)

Zhengxi still doesn’t move a muscle. He Tian’s run out of words to say.

Then, so quietly He Tian has to strain to hear him, Zhengxi says, “Everyone has it wrong, they always have. Jian Yi never needed me. It’s always been the other way around." He turns and looks He Tian square in the eye. “I won’t rest until I get to the bottom of this, He Tian. We’re not finished here.” He turns on his heel and walks away.

He Tian keeps his trademark smirk on his face, but _holy shit_ , he’s actually a tiny bit intimidated and, he’s not gonna lie, just a tiny bit turned on.

Speaking of being aroused, He Tian reaches for his phone. “Don’t close mountain,” he instructs the voice assistant in heavily-accented English.

“Little Mo,” he sing-songs when Mo Guan Shan picks up the call, “I’m fucking starving, I hope you have dinner ready and waiting for me.”

On reflex, He Tian positions the phone approximately five centimeters away from his ear, and lets the barrage of vitriol and cursing provide a soothing balm to his tired soul.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gave Xixi a haircut right before his reunion with Jian Yi, y’all better appreciate!!
> 
> I like to imagine Xixi cries [Viktor Nikiforov Studio Ghibli tears...](https://pa1.narvii.com/6321/e1285440f533b6d00523feb66fffd9df94629628_hq.gif)
> 
> Next chapter, domestic TianShan and their whiny child Jian Yi.


	3. Chez He Tian

 

_ONE DAY_

 

Jian Yi is lounging on the sofa in He Tian's cavernous apartment, a warm washcloth plastered over his eyes to relieve a migraine. He Tian sits comfortably by his feet, fingers loose around a beer bottle instead of the usual cigarette.

Behind them, the smells and sounds of cooking would have provided a pleasant backdrop, were it not for the overly aggressive and loud way Mo Guan Shan is chopping vegetables and whisking sauces, as if to hint that the two of them should be helping with dinner preparations instead of holding a therapy session.

“He Tian.”

“Mm?”

“Did Zhengxi and I ever - you know...” Jian Yi makes a lewd gesture.

He Tian snorts. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he says, simultaneously with Guan Shan's mumbled “Oh for fuck's sake.”

Jian Yi slumps further into the cushions. “Guess that’s a no, then.”

He Tian sighs. “If it were all up to you, Jian Yi, I'm sure the two of you would have been fucking like rabbits at every opportunity, but that Zhengxi… he’s a tougher nut to crack, pardon the expression, so I’m not a hundred percent sure you two were ever like that.”

“You remember, Tian?” Guan Shan pipes up from the kitchen, “That one night the four of us played half-court ball - afterward, Zhengxi just up and announced to everyone he'd sleep with Jian Yi.”

He Tian looks thoughtful. “Yeah, I do remember that. He took it back immediately though, said he meant something else. Although now that I look back on it, after that night I noticed a shift between the two of you, like you had become more intimate somehow.” He shrugs and takes a sip of his beer. “But since you remember fuck all, it's anyone's guess what actually happened that night. There’s only one person who knows for sure and he’s not here right now.”

Jian Yi pouts. "I wish he was," he says under his breath.

"You used to randomly announce how much your butthole hurt, too," Guan Shan adds, “No one fuckin’ asked, Jian Yi.”

"Wait, what?" He Tian says, eyebrows raised, "I don't remember that!"

Jian Yi sits up suddenly. "He Tian," he says, lowering his voice, "I would know if I was still a virgin, right? Like, I would feel it in my ass somehow?"

He Tian snorts. “Jian Yi, it’s a shame amnesia didn’t cure you of your idiocy. But fortunately we have an expert here we can ask.” He looks over his shoulder toward the kitchen where Guan Shan is plating dishes. “Lil’ Mo, is the current state of your asshole different in any way, shape, or form from your virgin asshole, before I had my way with it - plundered that booty, so to speak -”

_“CHICKEN DICK HE TIAN, DON’T ASK SUCH WEIRD FUCKING QUESTIONS!! STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT SHIT OR YOU WON’T GET ANY DINNER!!”_

He Tian cackles while dodging the kitchen towel Guan Shan lobs at him.

He Tian leans in closer, and maybe it’s the migraine but Jian Yi swears he can see devil horns emerging from his head. "Only one way to know for sure, Jian Yi," he says huskily, running a hand up Jian Yi's thigh, "It would be my pleasure, and you’d feel it so fucking hard there’d be no room for doubt.”

"He Tian!" Jian Yi shrieks, swatting the wandering hand away. "Redhead's right there, you asshole!"

He Tian grins even wider. "Threesome?" he offers.

Jian Yi huffs and positions a cushion as a barrier between himself and He Tian. "How could you even -! That is the exact opposite of everything I want in life, He Tian."

He Tian laughs, musses up Jian Yi's hair, and settles back into the sofa. He decides that now would be an opportune time to once again attempt to put a tear in the fabric of the universe. It didn't work with Zhengxi, but Jian Yi has always been the more impressionable of the two.

"You know, Jian Yi," He Tian muses, keeping his tone casual, "You've been handed a new lease in life. You’re free from the past, no longer have any childish obligations to fulfill; you shouldn’t let guilt sway your decisions when it comes to old acquaintances. Zhengxi’s moved on with his life without you, there’s nothing stopping you from doing the same.”

"What do you see in the guy anyway?" Guan Shan asks as he hands a stack of plates to He Tian for the table. "You met him - re-met him? - for like, five minutes. He's a good guy, but possibly the most boring fucker on the planet. Obviously you don't remember, but I'm not even joking just a little bit when I say all he does is play video games and study."

"Ah, Zhan Zhengxi… I can picture it now,” He Tian says expansively, “He'll breeze through medical school, land a cushy government job in a top tier hospital, buy a modest two-car-garage house in the suburbs, wife, two kids, blah blah blah, it’s putting me to sleep just thinking about it! Perfectly respectable but boring and predictable. You deserve more passion and excitement than that, Jian Yi."

He Tian says it mockingly but deep down he recognizes the appeal of the kind of life he just described. So, too, does Mrs. Jian, and it’s probably the reason why she left her son so willingly in Zhengxi’s care - an impossible desire to give Jian Yi a normal, ordinary life.

Perhaps it would have been wiser had someone like He Tian, or even Mo Guan Shan, taken Jian Yi under his wing. Their version of ‘normal’ was always going to be a little fucked up. Of the four of them, it’s only Zhan Zhengxi who’s excluded from the dubious ‘our Dads are super sketchy, they fucked us up for life’ club.

Mo Guan Shan recognizes it too, He Tian knows, because he’s gone silent as well, possibly reflecting on the brief glimpse of normalcy he was once afforded, only for the illusion to shatter so spectacularly in the end.

For his part, Jian Yi is too busy fantasizing about Zhan Zhengxi in surgical scrubs (he bookmarks the image to bring back up later, when he’s alone in his room) that he fails to notice the nuanced silence in the room. Eventually he remembers that Guan Shan had asked him a question. He’s only seen Zhengxi that one time in the hospital, but he knew it right away.

“Zhan Zhengxi has the most beautiful, kind soul,” Jian Yi says, simply and earnestly, like it’s all the explanation anyone would ever need.

Guan Shan snorts. “If you want a kind, caring soul,” he says drily, “get a fucking dog.” He fist bumps with He Tian.

Jian Yi rolls his eyes at them. “And he’s sooooo handsome!” he adds dreamily, clutching his chest and dropping his head dramatically onto the dining table, “When he rushed into my hospital room I thought for sure the doctors had given me the _really_ good drugs!”

“Aaaaand there it is,” He Tian says.

“The truth will out eventually,” Guan Shan agrees, “beautiful soul my ass, Jian Yi just wants the D.” 

“Little Zhan Ziqian and I didn’t work our asses off to keep that fucker alive and functioning, only for you to get your dick wet five minutes into seeing him, Jian Yi.”

Jian Yi sputters. “So crass, He Tian!”

Later, after the table's been cleared and the dishes washed, Jian Yi gazes out of He Tian's floor-to-ceiling windows, admiring the view of the star-studded sky and twinkling city beneath it. His thoughts stray to Zhan Zhengxi, as they often do these days.

Jian Yi has another answer to Guan Shan’s question, but it’s one he would never voice out loud; rather, he guards it selfishly in his heart -

_The only time I felt I was really home, was when he held me in his arms in that hospital room._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, the boys play basketball! Someone ends up shirtless, because it's an iron-clad rule in Old Xian's world!


	4. Basketball Diaries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ZhanYi on a date ( ˘⌣˘)♡(˘⌣˘ )  
> Help them they're awkward (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)

 

_ONE DAY_

   

> **_Zhan Zhengxi this is Jian Yi I finally got a new phone ヽ(^o^)丿_ ** ****_  
> _ **_Add me OK?_ **  
>    
>  _Done! How are you?_  
>  _  
> _ ******_I’m great everyone is so nice but I really want see you again!!_**
> 
> _I’m glad you messaged me, I was just thinking about you. I’m free this weekend, should I take the train up on Saturday?_ _  
> _ _  
> _ **_(★^O^★) I’ll pick you up at the train station!!!_ **

 

* * *

 

The contents of Zhan Zhengxi’s meager closet are currently strewn all over his apartment floor.  
  
“The fuck am I doing,” he mutters to himself.  
  
Zhengxi’s never given much thought to what he wears - he couldn’t care less, as long as it’s comfortable, and clean, if he’s meeting people. His one and only foray into fashion, courtesy of Ziqian, ended almost as soon as it began with Jian Yi’s overly enthusiastic appreciation of his trendy ripped jeans.  
  
Zhengxi sighs. Did he have any significant memory not attached to Jian Yi? It took four lonely years of introspection and re-living every single moment to realize that no, he did not.  
  
The situation is different now that Jian Yi has no recollection of their childhood together. After that first fateful leaf-meets-flower encounter, they had accepted each other so completely that there was never any need to prove one’s worth as a friend; they only ever had to be themselves.  
  
Now Zhengxi finds himself in unfamiliar territory. He wants so badly to make a good impression so that Jian Yi won’t question why they became such good friends as children, or - Zhengxi’s worst fear - decide that his friendship is unnecessary after all.  
  
Zhengxi ruffles his hair in frustration. Last night he lay in bed wondering why Jian Yi had stuck with him all those years. Jian Yi had become quite popular in middle school, he was universally liked and had a lot of friends, and girls and boys alike tripped over themselves when he walked down the hallway. Zhengxi, by contrast, was taciturn (girls called it ‘brooding,’ He Tian called it ‘bitchy’), uncomfortable in crowded places, would rather play video games than go to parties, and even just talking to people (other than Jian Yi) was exhausting for him most of the time.  
  
At one point Zhengxi thought he had something to offer, but that was quickly dispelled the night Brother Qiu held him down so effortlessly, as though he were an irascible little kitten instead of a healthy teenage boy fighting to save his best friend. He couldn’t protect Jian Yi back then, and he couldn’t protect him in high school when it mattered most. Zhengxi found out just how powerless he was the years following Jian Yi’s disappearance, without the proper resources or connections to find Jian Yi and bring him home.  
  
The only thing going for Zhengxi, the one thing in his life he has always been sure of, is that no one in the world loves Jian Yi more than he does. He never put it into words, because words are not his thing (and also his fifteen year old self was a fucking dumbass). Much easier to let Jian Yi say it, to choose exactly the right words - _I like you so much I’m going to explode_ \- so that all Zhengxi has to do is confirm it - _I know_.

Zhengxi slaps his cheeks to break the reverie. “For fuck’s sake, get it together,” he tells himself. He’ll miss the train if he keeps this up.

At the very least, Jian Yi deserves something other than his thread-worn striped sweatpants. He collapses onto the heap of clothing, hoping for some sort of outfit osmosis. Eventually he decides on a clean t-shirt and a pair of (non-ripped) jeans, ones he purchased by himself without much thought only to find, much to his annoyance, people staring appreciatively at his ass whenever he wore them. He’s been too self-conscious to wear them since, especially after Ziqian confirmed it with two thumbs up and a “Your ass looks fab, bro.”  
  
They’re completely warranted in this situation, Zhengxi reasons, because he’s on a mission to court back his best friend.

 

* * *

 

There’s no sign of Jian Yi when Zhengxi arrives at the train station.  
  
He’s about to pull out his phone and send a text when he hears it -  
  
“ZHAN! ZHENG! XI!”  
  
On reflex Zhengxi spreads his arms out and plants his left foot back to steady himself for the onslaught of Jian Yi… which never comes.  
  
Instead they end up in an awkward half-hug, and when they break apart they laugh weakly and scuff their sneakers on the pavement in mutual embarrassment.  
  
Jian Yi’s wearing a soft-looking t-shirt and Y-3 Adidas pants, which upon closer inspection look like dressy sweatpants. Zhengxi feels betrayed by Ziqian all of a sudden; why had she never alerted him to the existence of fancy sweatpants?!  
  
Jian Yi looks amazing, and it’s taking all of Zhengxi’s considerable self-control not to stare at him. When Zhengxi saw Jian Yi everyday, the tiny, minute changes in his appearance often went unnoticed; but after a long separation with no contact, the cumulative effect comes as a shock. It’s similar to one of Zhengxi’s long-overdue visits to his parents - he often catches himself wondering when they had grown so old.

Jian Yi’s features are sharper, his face free from the fullness and roundness of youth. His expression is more guarded, eyes hooded, and Zhengxi hopes it’s due to maturity and not some trauma he experienced while he was away. It’s as if that unreadable expression Zhengxi saw only rarely in middle school has settled over his features permanently.

A timely text from He Tian stops Zhengxi’s staring before it veers into 'creepy’ territory.

    

> **_How’s our boy? Looks good, doesn’t he? Treat him nice or I’ll donate your corpse to your school’s anatomy department for cadaver dissection ←~(Ψ▼ｰ▼)∈_ **

 

“What the fuck, he needs to chill,” Zhengxi mutters under his breath. “Sorry, Jian Yi. Text from He Tian, he’s just checking up on you.”  
  
Jian Yi rolls his eyes. “I told him I’d be fine.”  
  
Zhengxi smiles at him. “So he and Guan Shan have been taking care of you? I’m glad to hear it,” he says as they fall in step and walk toward an as-yet-undetermined location.  
  
Jian Yi fills him in on what he’s missed since his discharge from the hospital, and Zhengxi can’t help but smile at Jian Yi’s enthusiasm, his exaggerated hand gestures, the expressive face he missed so much. He tells Zhengxi about hanging out at He Tian’s (“His apartment is insane!”), running into old friends from middle school and everyone being so happy to see him (“By the way, everyone keeps asking me how you’re dealing with it, Zhengxi.”), visiting Guan Shan at his part-time job in an American-style pizza parlor, wheedling She Li for free drinks at his family’s bar -  
  
Zhengxi freezes mid-step and Jian Yi almost collides into him. “She Li?” he says with a frown. “You know you used to be terrified of him.”

Jian Yi’s eyes go comically wide as he grabs Zhengxi’s arm. “I still am! He’s super scary, Zhengxi! But also really nice to me? I can’t figure it out! But he does give me free drinks from time to time.”  
  
The thought of She Li plying Jian Yi with alcohol really does not sit well with Zhengxi.  
  
“Don’t get close to him, he’s not a good guy - just ask Guan Shan,” he warns Jian Yi, “and for fuck’s sake don’t get drunk when you’re around him.”  
  
Jian Yi nods gravely. “Yes, okay.”  
  
“Listen, Jian Yi, I’m sorry I haven’t been around much. I wish I could see you more often, but I also want to give you some space, and with school and everything -”  
  
Jian Yi cuts him off, “No, no, it’s okay, Zhengxi! He Tian told me you moved away for college. Not too far away, though, right?”  
  
“No, just a couple of towns south of the river. I had planned to go to school much further away,” Zhengxi says, with a sidelong glance at his friend, “I just wanted a completely fresh start, you know?”  
  
Jian Yi looks away, but he doesn’t look annoyed or angry, just reflective.  
  
“But it worked out in the end,” Zhengxi continues quickly, “my parents own some rental property right near the college, plus my little sister - well, she’s not so little anymore I guess - threw a fit when she found out I was considering moving halfway across the country.”  
  
“Oh yeah, He Tian mentioned you had a younger sister.”  
  
Zhengxi chuckles. “Jian Yi, you’re like, her worst enemy.”  
  
Jian Yi gasps in mock offense. “Who, me? How can anyone not like me?! Where is she? Let’s go visit her, maybe I can redeem myself!”  
  
Zhengxi shakes his head, laughing. “I don’t think that’s possible.” He recounts the sleepover and the sock rose incident -  
  
Jian Yi covers his face with his hands. “No I didn’t, you’re making that up!!”  
  
“You did! We were both such dumb idiots. She still hasn’t forgiven me for that, let alone you,” he says as Jian Yi howls with laughter. “But you were basically the evil older brother, so that just made me look like the angelic one,” Zhengxi says, and winks, because he’s relaxed and comfortable and being with Jian Yi feels like the natural order of the universe.  
  
Jian Yi’s step falters, he turns red in the face and makes an unintelligible high-pitched noise.  
  
_Shit_. Maybe it’s too soon for teasing.  
  
And definitely too soon to bring up the other incident involving his sister, under the overpass on that cold rainy night.  
  
Zhengxi clears his throat and looks straight ahead to give Jian Yi time to recover. “I’m about a two hour train ride away,” he says, “six hours by bus which I would avoid, if I were you. I mean, if you ever want to visit, which you’re more than welcome to, if you get bored or something, but it sounds like you’re busy most days -”  
  
Jian Yi beams at him. “I’ll come everyday!” he yells excitedly, then, in a more subdued tone, “I mean, I think it would be so nice to see you everyday.”  
  
“That does sound nice,” Zhengxi agrees with a small smile. “Not just yet though, okay? You need to recover fully, I don’t want you traveling by yourself.”  
  
“I’m nineteen, Zhengxi, I think I can take a train by myself.”  
  
“That’s not the point, Jian Yi. Head injuries can be unpredictable,” Zhengxi insists, then adds in a quieter tone, “I’d never forgive myself if something happened to you because of me.”  
  
Jian Yi puts his arm around Zhengxi’s shoulders. “You’re too hard on yourself, Zhengxi.”  
  
They walk aimlessly for a while, each deep in his own thoughts.  
  
“I, um, I also have a part-time job,” Zhengxi says. This is a new thing for him, offering bits and pieces of his life without waiting to be prompted. He remembers how upset Jian Yi had been when he found out Zhengxi had a sister he never told him about - _So if I don’t ask, you won’t tell me? -_ Zhengxi wants Jian Yi to tell him everything, no matter how trivial it may seem, and it's only fair that he does the same.

“Aaah, you’re so cool, Zhengxi!”

“Eh, it’s just three days a week, the opening shift in a small café. It goes by pretty quickly, since it's so busy in the mornings, although adults who haven’t had their first cup of tea or coffee yet can be pretty fucking terrifying,” Zhengxi says with a shudder.

“I'd go everyday just to see your face first thing in the morning, Zhengxi,” Jian Yi says, and winks.

“Idiot,” Zhengxi replies with a fond smile.

At some point Zhengxi realizes it might be a good idea to figure out where they’re going. When he finally looks up to see where his feet, so familiar with the streets of his hometown, have led them, he breaks out into a wide grin.  
  
He turns to face Jian Yi and taps twice, very lightly, on his forehead. “Hey Jian Yi, are you cleared for strenuous physical activity yet?”  
  
“Yeah, the doctor cleared me a few days ago,” Jian Yi replies. He moves closer, lowers his voice suggestively. “Why? What sort of physical activity did you have in mind?”  
  
And this too, is new; not just the timbre of his voice, finally freed from the irregularity of puberty, but there's a seriousness behind the teasing that's different. Zhengxi feels like if he pushed just a little bit harder, Jian Yi would show him that he's actually got something to back it up.

Zhengxi ignores the heat growing in his belly for now. He walks backwards, arms spread out. “Look where we are.”

They’re standing in a basketball court.

 

* * *

 

They borrow a basketball from a group of neighborhood kids, who give them instructions to leave the ball in a specific spot under a specific bench for them to pick up later.

“We used to play ball all the fucking time,” Zhengxi says, as they both adjust and re-tie their sneakers. “Have He Tian and Guan Shan taken you out on the court yet?”

“Nope! Hope I’m not too rusty. Just like riding a bike, right?”

“Uh, except you can’t, Jian Yi. Ride a bike, I mean.”

“What?! Argh, why am I so pathetic?” he whines, collapsing onto his side in despair.

Zhengxi laughs at him. “I’ll teach you. Later. C’mon,” he says as he pulls Jian Yi to his feet.

The first few minutes are a disaster. Jian Yi trips over himself, loses the ball while dribbling, and at one point Zhengxi thinks, _maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all_ , when Jian Yi falls over when his legs tangle with the ball while trying to dribble between them.

Soon enough though, muscle memory kicks in. And it appears amnesia hasn't affected Jian Yi’s mannerisms - or dramatics, more like - on the court.

“Oh my god how could I have missed that, I can’t believe it!” he wails, clutching his head.

“I can.”

“So mean, Zhengxi!”

They take a break after about twenty minutes, Zhengxi leading by a slim margin.

“Maybe we should stop for the day, Jian Yi. You shouldn’t exert yourself.”

Jian Yi gives him a sly look. “Afraid I’ll catch up and beat you?”

Zhengxi narrows his eyes at him as he breaks open the cap of the sports drink they bought from the vending machine. “I was actually going easy on you this entire time, but if that’s how you’re gonna be, then it’s on!”

The sun is at its peak now, and Zhengxi takes off his t-shirt to wipe the sweat off his face, drapes it over his head while he takes a long swig of his drink. He wishes he was wearing something other than denim, but that can't be helped. “We should at least move to the shadier half of the court -” he stops mid-sentence, because Jian Yi is staring at him.

He's staring at him, mouth agape. The ball is dead at his feet and his face is as red as their nation’s flag.

 _Oh shit._ That’s right, Jian Yi doesn’t remember the countless times they’ve seen each other in every possible state of undress over the years.

Zhengxi scratches the back of his neck, a bit embarrassed all of a sudden, then belatedly realizes that the action makes him flex his pecs a bit. _Fuck_. “Heh,” he says awkwardly, “it’s so hot…”  
  
Jian Yi gulps and Zhengxi traces the path of his Adam’s apple. “Sure is,” Jian Yi replies, giving him a once-over. “Um, how?” he squeaks, pointing up and down the length of Zhengxi’s body.

“Taekwondo,” Zhengxi replies. _For you, Jian Yi. So that I could get stronger, protect you when you came back._ And when he didn’t come back, Zhengxi kept up with it, buoyed by some unrealistic heroic fantasy where he would exact vengeance on the people who took his heart away.

“He Tian introduced me to it. We still spar occasionally.”

“That’s nice, I’m fine,” Jian Yi says dazedly. He rakes his hand through his hair to push it back from where it had matted over his forehead, which gives Zhengxi an idea.

But before he executes it he takes pity on his friend and puts his t-shirt back on.  
  
“Actually, Jian Yi, if your hair is bothering you, you used to put it up all the time. The girls back in middle school showed you how.”  
  
“Ah, is that why I keep finding hair elastics all over the place?”  
  
“Do you have one with you now?”  
  
Jian Yi digs into his pockets and produces one with a triumphant grin.  
  
Zhengxi approaches him tentatively. “I can do it for you, if that’s okay?” he asks, for no other reason than he’s always wanted to.

Jian Yi turns around and hands him the elastic. “Oh, um, just be careful of the - they stuck my head back together with titanium mesh and plates and stuff, right around here.”

Zhengxi can feel a lump forming in his throat. For the few minutes it takes for him to recover his composure, he places his palm gently on the back of Jian Yi’s head, then rests his head on his hand and closes his eyes, just as Jian Yi had done once upon a time to try and guess Zhengxi’s wish upon the stars.

Zhengxi takes his time, gently brushes the sweaty hair off Jian Yi’s face, gathers his hair carefully as a thinly-veiled excuse to run his fingers lightly through Jian Yi’s scalp.  
  
“You know, Jian Yi,” Zhengxi murmurs softly, “I’m glad you recovered so quickly from such a serious accident. He Tian said it had only been two weeks when I went to see you in the hospital?”

“Mmm, no, it was definitely longer than that. I was in hospitals _for-e-ver,_  it felt like. Months, at least. Honestly I don’t think I was even in China until I got transferred to Hangzhou. I met He Tian two weeks before you visited me, maybe that’s what he meant.”

Zhengxi’s hands still. Jian Yi makes a disapproving noise and Zhengxi quickly resumes his head massage.

“I am so sorry,” is all Zhengxi can think to say.

Jian Yi reaches behind him, pats Zhengxi’s arm tenderly. “It’s over, it's done. I’m happy right now here with you.”

So He Tian lied to Zhengxi, and not for the first time. He’s felt this before, the tug-of-war between the part of himself that trusts his friend and the one who doesn’t; it’s the former who always wins in the end. Zhengxi knows that deep down (like really deep, mantle-of-the-earth deep), He Tian is a good guy. Some unspecified childhood trauma left him with an irrational fear that everyone he loves will be taken away from him, so he goes through great lengths, will do anything, including lying, to protect them. He Tian stood by his side during the dark days following Jian Yi’s disappearance because Zhengxi was living He Tian’s worst nightmare.

Zhengxi knows his real fight isn’t with He Tian, it’s with the Jian family. That day of reckoning will come someday.

He finishes the ponytail, more of a small messy bun, really. “You sure you’re okay to keep playing, Jian Yi?”

Jian Yi slaps his ass (and maybe lets his hand linger a bit too long) to resume play. “Quit dawdling!”  
  
The air is charged after that, electric, which Zhengxi can easily identify now as sexual tension, but his fifteen year old self would have agonized over it for days - _wHaT doEs it alL mEan???_   His past self really was a fucking dumbass.

There’s skin sliding on slicked skin, tongues out, stare downs, numerous flagrant fouls of tugging shirts and holding waists; it’s a wonder Zhengxi can keep score at all. But somehow he manages. He wins the game.  
  
“I’m onto you, Zhan Zhengxi!,” Jian Yi yells, shaking his fists at the stars. “You and your distraction techniques!”  
  
“Sore loser.”

 

* * *

 

They’re lying on the grassy bank next to the court, catching their breath and cooling off with another round of drinks from the vending machine. 

“Which school do you go to again, Zhengxi?”  
  
“Zhejiang,” Zhengxi says quietly.  
  
He very nearly didn’t make it to college at all. He was so fucked up about losing Jian Yi, so desperate to find him, that his teachers, parents, and sister staged an intervention at the end of his first year in high school to save him before he self-destructed completely. He spent the following summers taking remedial courses and extra credits, filled his schedule with extracurriculars, like the aforementioned taekwondo, and lived like a hermit the next two years - not that it mattered, since Jian Yi wasn’t around - only taking an occasional break from studying when He Tian and Guan Shan strong-armed him into the basketball court.  
  
“Hm… is it hard to get into?” Jian Yi asks as he toys with a blade of grass. “Could someone like me get in?”

Zhengxi catches his breath, because if Jian Yi has plans to graduate, it must mean he has plans to stay.

“You’re really smart, Jian Yi. I used to copy your homework all the time.”  
  
“Everyone keeps telling me I’m an idiot,” Jian Yi complains.  
  
“Well, you’re what they call ‘book smart’.”  
  
“Awww, so rude, Zhengxi!!!” Jian Yi whines.

“But I have faith in you.”

 

* * *

 

Later, over steaming bowls of ramen, Jian Yi asks, “Were all of our days like this?”

“Hm? Oh. Yeah, pretty much, just with a shit-ton more homework. Sorry,” Zhengxi adds apologetically, “I was never the adventurous type. This might be a bit dull for you? You've always been so outgoing."

Jian Yi just stares at him, confused.

"Maybe it's a good thing I won't be with you in high school," Zhengxi rambles on, "I kind of feel bad now monopolizing your time all those years. But you'll have so much fun, you'll make tons of friends so you won't be lonely. Maybe it is a good idea to put a bit of space between us." He looks down at his ramen. He says the next sentence without pause, but the words are chosen carefully - "Maybe then it might hurt less, I might be more prepared, if you decide to leave again one day."

Jian Yi puts his chopsticks down, reaches out and grabs Zhengxi, forces him to face him. “Zhengxi, are you an idiot? I asked because I want more days exactly like this. It's not boring, it's the best thing in the world. If I knew I had days like these to look forward to, my recovery would have been a lot less painful. Stop beating yourself up, Zhengxi. I don't remember shit but I know one thing for sure now - there's no way I would have left voluntarily, not if it meant leaving you."

Zhengxi pretends that the tears forming in his eyes are from Jian Yi's overzealous application of hot sauce on the dumplings. He sniffles. He feels himself getting pulled into a warm embrace; Jian Yi smells like sweat and ramen steam.

“I missed you so much, Jian Yi.”

“I know.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The real reason Xixi got into college was because he had 1,000,000 extra credits in clean-up duty. Seriously, why is he always on clean-up duty? Who did He Tian pay off that he never has to do it? (probably Mo)
> 
> Time skip of maybe one, two months to the next chapter; it's hard to figure out timelines with 19 Days. 
> 
> Next up, choose your fighter! Xixi vs She Li!


	5. In Vino Veritas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self-indulgent chapter, I really want my Zhengxi/Guanshan brotp to be canon!

 

> **_Zhan Zhengxi guess what!!!_ **
> 
> _Happy Birthday, Jian Yi!!_
> 
> **_You remembered (*´ω｀*)_ **
> 
> _Of course I did, I would never forget  
>  _ _You’re too impatient, I was waiting for midnight to text you_
> 
> **_I have a small birthday thing with some friends, I know you don’t have work on Saturday so I scheduled it on Friday night JUST FOR YOU SO YOU HAVE TO COME, OK?!!_ **
> 
> _I really hate noisy places :(  
>  _ _We can do something together on Saturday, just the two of us_
> 
> **_YES we will do that ALSO because you’re coming to my party_ **
> 
> **_please come (ಥ﹏ಥ)  
>  _ ** ****
> 
> **_it’s at She Li’s family’s bar so you’ll be familiar with a lot of people_ **
> 
> _She Li?_
> 
> _. . ._
> 
> _. . ._
> 
> _. . ._
> 
> _Ok, I guess I’ll drop by for a little bit_

 

_ONE DAY_

 

Zhengxi’s loitering by the entrance of the bar, feeling every bit the literal outsider that he is. Through the windows he can see Jian Yi, completely in his element as host of the party, greeting people, making jokes, motioning to the servers for drinks. Zhengxi can’t quite make out the words, but he can hear Jian Yi’s loud voice, his bright infectious laughter, doing what he does best - bringing light, to put it simply - and Zhengxi had been missing it for four years.

It's a far cry from the lonely little boy who just wanted one friend. Now Jian Yi can fill up an entire bar with them, some of whom Zhengxi recognizes (Xiao Hui?! What the hell is she doing here?) but many he doesn’t, which means in the few months since he's been back Jian Yi has already made plenty of new friends. He Tian’s words ring in his ear - _Jian Yi doesn’t need you anymore, you’re free from any childish promises, free from the responsibility of your linked past._

Zhengxi’s chest feels tight. Maybe he shouldn’t have come; he’s not much fun at parties anyway. He can always pay a surprise visit to his parents instead, get his ass handed to him in whatever game his sister’s currently obsessed with, sleep on the sofa since his parents turned his bedroom into storage space. 

He’s already got one foot turning back, ready to flee, when someone bumps his shoulder.

“Hey - watch it!” Zhengxi squares up, ready for a confrontation, then relaxes when he sees who the culprit is. “Oh hey, Guan Shan. Long time no see.”

They do the standard hand-clasp-pat-on-the-back bro greeting, but their display of manliness is cut short by He Tian - forever the tallest and broadest among them, now that their growth spurts have come and gone - who comes up and enfolds both of them in his arms. “Aww, isn’t this nice,” he says, resting his chin on their heads.

“Tsk.” Zhengxi shrugs him off.

“Let me in on that!” someone yells, and soon enough Jian Yi is ducking his head under He Tian’s arm to join the huddle.

“Hey birthday boy,” Guan Shan greets him, but he sounds annoyed. “Why the fuck did you choose this place?” He spits in the direction of She Li’s family’s bar.

“It’s a nice bar!” Jian Yi protests. “And he’s not charging for the table or snacks. Is he really that bad?” he asks with a pout.

“He’s an asshole,” He Tian says, cigarette dangling from his lips, “almost ruined Mo’s future. As a matter of fact, it was you, Jian Yi, who stuck your nose in where it didn’t belong and ended up saving Mo from making a huge mistake.”

“Really?! She Li didn’t mention any of that!” Jian Yi hangs his head and his shoulders slump. “I’m sorry, Redhead, I didn’t know. We can go somewhere else…”

“Nah, don’t worry about it,” Guan Shan says, ruffling Jian Yi’s hair affectionately. “It was a long time ago, I’m over it, he’s not gonna pull anything with this fucker looming over him,” he says, pointing a thumb at He Tian. “And Zhengxi’s here, so he’ll watch your back. She Li’s always had this creepy fascination with you, Jian Yi. Used to pop up out of nowhere whenever you were around. Scared the shit out of us half the time.”

Zhengxi thanks Guan Shan silently for reminding him why he came to the party in the first place.

“Really Jian Yi, don’t sweat it. We’re all here for you, we’ll have a good time,” He Tian assures him.

“Oh! That reminds me - here, your present,” Guan Shan says, slapping an envelope onto Jian Yi’s chest. “My idea, He Tian’s money,” he says with a grin.

Jian Yi takes a peek inside the envelope. It’s a month’s worth of train tickets, presumably so that he can visit Zhengxi whenever he gets the urge.

“Apparently Dr. Zhan over there,” He Tian says, pointing his chin at Zhengxi, “has cleared you to travel the perilous two-hour train journey to the scary land beyond the Qiantang River to visit his love nest -”

“Honestly we’re just sick of you whining on our couch,” Guan Shan cuts in, teasing.

Before Jian Yi can get a word of thanks in, He Tian and Guan Shan spin him around and the three of them walk away, out of Zhengxi’s earshot.

“Hey!” Zhengxi complains, but he doesn’t move, just stares after them in a mixture of confusion and curiosity.

“Do you have plans for later tonight, Jian Yi? Do you need condoms?” He Tian asks, voice low and secretive, and he starts to pull out an alarmingly long string of something suspiciously foil-wrapped.

“Don’t be stupid, He Tian,” Guan Shan says over Jian Yi’s head. “You really think Zhengxi won’t have any condoms on hand? He’s probably done research on all different kinds, with spreadsheets and shit.”

“Good point, Mo,” He Tian says, “I bet he has neatly labeled bottles of lube and a slide show presentation on sex positions.”

Jian Yi turns bright red and can’t decide whether to cover his face out of embarrassment or the rising bulge in his pants. “Wait, are you two being serious?”

He Tian and Guan Shan ignore his distress and drag him back to where Zhengxi is standing, looking more impatient by the minute.

Jian Yi shakes off his handlers gratefully and throws his arms around Zhengxi. “Zhengxi, you came!” he shouts excitedly with hearts in his eyes, his recent exchange with the other two all but forgotten.

“I need a fucking drink,” Guan Shan mutters.

“Mmm, I’m parched,” He Tian agrees, “though not as thirsty as Jian Yi’s di-”

Jian Yi shoves them both into the bar.

“Thanks for coming, Zhengxi,” he says, almost shyly, when they’re alone.

“I almost left, actually,” Zhengxi admits. He scrunches his face. “What’s Xiao Hui doing here? I thought she hated you.”

“She does?” Jian Yi says, eyes wide with concern. “She’s super nice! I guess we all went to middle school together, right? You don’t like her?”

Zhengxi shrugs. “Eh, it was a long time ago. Since she’s made the effort to befriend you now I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. She confessed to me back in middle school and I didn’t return her feelings, that’s all.”

“You’re such a heartbreaker, Zhengxi.”

“Hardly.”

“But why would she hate me?”

Zhengxi gives him a small, private smile. “Well, I can’t remember my exact words, but I told her that our friendship was the most important thing in the world to me, and that she deserves someone who would always put her first, like I did with you.”

Jian Yi’s bottom lip starts to wobble.

“Ah, don’t cry,” Zhengxi says and gently pinches Jian Yi’s cheeks into a smile.

Jian Yi sniffles but doesn’t press the issue further. Instead he elbows Zhengxi playfully. “So where’s my present?”

“Tomorrow,” Zhengxi says simply.

Jian Yi gasps, clasping a hand to his mouth. “Zhengxi!” he squeals.

Zhengxi takes a step back in alarm. “What I have planned doesn’t really warrant that much excitement, Jian Yi, so like, lower your expectations, you might think it’s dumb.”

Jian Yi just gives him a knowing wink, which is also unwarranted in this situation, Zhengxi thinks, but he says nothing, and Jian Yi merely links arms with him and leads him to the bar.

“There you are.”

The two look up to see She Li leaning against the doorway, a smirk playing across his lips.

Zhengxi wonders irritably why She Li can’t find a shirt that fits him; those poor shirt buttons, straining to keep everything together.

“Sorry, we’re coming!” Jian Yi says. He walks ahead of Zhengxi into the bar, and She Li runs his fingers through Jian Yi’s hair when he passes him, pointedly keeping eye contact with Zhengxi the entire time.

“So soft,” he murmurs.

“Where’s my caress?” Zhengxi says snidely, following behind Jian Yi, then has to dodge when She Li actually makes a move to touch his hair. “Ugh, fuck no!”

“Bo-ring,” She Li singsongs. “Sorry, what was your name again? I can’t call you ‘that guy who’s always with Jian Yi’ anymore since you rarely are these days.”

“It’s Zhan Zhengxi. And I’ll stick to what works and call you what I always have, _asshole_.”

 

* * *

 

It’s… not terrible.

Because She Li’s family’s bar is slightly more upscale than the dive bars university students frequent, it’s not as raucous, and thankfully you didn’t have to shout to be heard over the music. She Li had graciously reserved a portion of the bar for Jian Yi’s party, and Zhengxi grudgingly admits that it’s nice without being pretentious.

Zhengxi eyes an unoccupied, comfortable looking spot tucked away in the corner and wonders if he can hide out there and keep an eye on Jian Yi for the duration of the party. His plans are derailed when Guan Shan sidles up to him.

“Hey,” Guan Shan says, scratching the back of his neck.

Like Zhengxi, Guan Shan often feels out of place in social settings, but his discomfort stems from the chip on his shoulder that makes him think he’s undeserving of company other than that of low-lifes and degenerates. It was Jian Yi who first called him friend, despite Guan Shan’s fervent denial at the time.

Zhengxi cocks his head toward the bar. “Drinks?” he suggests, and they walk over together.

They pass the time comfortably, beers in hand, each grateful for the other’s presence. They're more than happy to leave the socializing to Jian Yi and He Tian. They talk about basketball, whether or not the Lions can have another shot at the championship, having come so close last season. Zhengxi gives a rave review of the latest game he just mastered (with tips from his sister), and promises to give him his pirated copy. They talk in hushed, secretive tones about Guardian 镇魂 the web series, because they would never, ever live it down if He Tian found out they were avid fans.

They look on in amusement at He Tian, who was ambushed by a bevy of girls as soon as he walked in the door. Ever the diplomat, he’s attentive and respectful, exhibiting the patience of a saint while the girls compete loudly for his attention.

“How the fuck does he do that?” Zhengxi asks, “Refuses their advances without hurting or offending anyone?”

“Master manipulator,” Guan Shan answers easily.

“Oh, true. I could use a tutorial.”

“Been beating them off with a stick, have you?” Guan Shan asks with one eyebrow raised.

“Pfft,” Zhengxi says in denial, because he doesn’t want to sound conceited, but he does get confessed to more often than he expected. “I just hate that shit, thought I’d see the last of it in high school.”

When He Tian attempts to telegraph his distress and sends out a signal requesting assistance, Zhengxi and Guan Shan merely put their arms around each other’s shoulders and point and laugh at him. They’ll probably pay for it dearly later, if the look He Tian shoots their way is any indication.

Later in the evening the two of them corner She Li, Guan Shan crowding him up against the wall while Zhengxi growls at him. “Jian Yi has a fucking brain injury, She Li, enough with the never ending stream of drinks - and absolutely no baijiu!” Zhengxi says, plucking the offending liquor off the tray She Li is carrying. She Li has been a fastidious server all night; no sooner would Jian Yi be down to the last drop of beer when a fresh, cold bottle would appear as if by magic, She Li’s movements so stealthy Zhengxi can barely keep track.

She Li looks around in mock confusion, eyes skittering behind his platinum fringe. “Oh, my mistake! I thought we were in a bar. And that’s what we do in bars, we sell drinks.”

Zhengxi leans in closer, eyes stormy gray, voice low and threatening. “Don’t play dumb, asshole, and keep your eyes and your hands off Jian Yi,” he says into She Li’s ear.

When Zhengxi steps back, She Li gives him and Guan Shan both an appraising look. “You boys are making me very excited,” he purrs.

“Ew, gross, fuck!” Guan Shan says, letting go so quickly that She Li stumbles. By the time he steadies his drink tray, Guan Shan is walking away as fast as he can with Zhengxi in tow.

“Come back here and finish what you started!” She Li yells at their retreating backs. Guan Shan flips him the finger.

“What a fucking creep!” Zhengxi says with a shudder.

“Sometimes I get the feeling he wants to turn Jian Yi into a skin suit,” Guan Shan says.

Zhengxi gives him a flat look. “First of all, that’s a fucking terrifying thought, and secondly, He Tian’s influence is showing there, Redhead.”

 

* * *

 

Zhengxi is just about to concede that he’s actually enjoying himself when Guan Shan turns traitor in the blink of an eye.

They’re at the bar, trading jokes with the bartender, when they see Xiao Hui approaching.

“Oh, shit,” Zhengxi says under his breath.

“You’re on your own there, Zhengxi,” Guan Shan says, gulping down the last of his beer and sliding off the bar stool.

“What, why?! Don’t leave me!” Zhengxi pleads.

Guan Shan claps Zhengxi on the shoulders and gives him an encouraging squeeze. “Ganbatte.”

“Fucking traitor!” Zhengxi calls after him. He can still hear Guan Shan chuckling.

Xiao Hui smooths out her hair and bats her eyelashes demurely as she makes her final approach. “Oh, um, hey, Zhan Zhengxi, long time no see.”

“You’re looking well, Xiao Hui,” Zhengxi says stiffly.

“Oh, thanks! I lost weight!”

Zhengxi’s not sure why she felt the need to tell him that. “You never needed to before,” he says confusedly.

She swats his arm playfully. “You’re so sweet.”

Zhengxi is genuinely bewildered by this conversation.

She clears her throat. “I, um, used to see you a lot on social media,” she tells him.

 _Fuck._ What a loaded statement. Zhengxi groans inwardly; this time there’s no confusion, he knows exactly what she’s referring to.

Zhengxi himself has no online presence, but he briefly dated a half-Korean half-Chinese girl who was some sort of aspiring model? beauty vlogger? whatever the fuck that was - and she had tens of thousands of followers. They met when she accosted him on the street and asked him to photograph her outfit so that she could post it and tag ‘sponsors’. After delightedly nodding her approval of the picture he had taken, she looked up and told him, “We’re dating now.”

And so began his college dating blitz. (Can he call it a blitz if he can count the number of people he dated on one hand? Considering he went from zero the previous four years, Zhengxi thinks so.)

When Zhengxi broke up with her, fed up with having to take a hundred couple selfies for every _one_ that she approved of (“Stop scowling, Zhengxi!”), he was surprised by the fervor with which she tried to convince him to stay; she even threatened to burn his collection of striped sweatpants, which she and his sister had bonded over their shared abhorrence of. Eventually she admitted that she really enjoyed dating him because 1) he was photogenic, which he wasn’t previously aware of, and 2) he didn’t talk much. Zhengxi still doesn’t know what to make of that, except now, whenever one of his friends seeks advice regarding women, he simply tells them ‘always look your best, and don’t talk too much.’

So Xiao Hui is one of his ex’s followers. And she correctly deduced that they are no longer dating, since he hasn’t appeared on her feed for the better part of the year. Zhengxi can sense the relief in Xiao Hui’s voice, that maybe whatever went on with Jian Yi back in middle school was just a phase, that they’ve finally grown out of it and are not, in fact, _disgusting gays!_

What Xiao Hui doesn’t know is that after the vlogger, Zhengxi dated a fellow male student and had his first sexual experience, when what he naïvely assumed would be a study session turned out to be an anatomy lesson of a different sort.

Then after him was another guy, with whom Zhengxi ended up in a quasi-relationship of casual sex and gaming meetups, because in an attempt to make friends Zhengxi didn’t realize that ‘iQiyi and chill’ was actually a euphemism. As fun as it was, it didn’t last; Zhengxi didn’t think it fair when he discovered that he could still feel lonely even while being in a relationship.

No surprise that none of their same-sex couple selfies ended up on social media for public (i.e., Xiao Hui’s) consumption. It’s a shame, really, since Zhengxi knows all about good selfie angles now.

Later on, Zhengxi learned that both of his male exes had the same perception regarding him - they both felt that he wasn’t fully theirs and could never be, that he was somehow keeping a good portion of himself for someone else. Zhengxi was extremely distressed upon hearing this, apologized profusely, told them he would never have entered into relationships with them if he knew he was capable of making someone feel that way. They both shrugged it off, told him it was no big deal; one of them said he’d been there before, which made Zhengxi want to cry, because he couldn’t possibly have had what he and Jian Yi did. The other said “Whoever he is, he’s a lucky guy,” which made Zhengxi want to tear his hair out.

 _There’s only one man out there for you,_ a voice would taunt him in the night. That marked the end of his dating blitz, because subconsciously he knew it all along.

One afternoon not long after, Zhengxi came home carrying way too many bottles of beer for one person. Fearing he might relapse into the darkness, he boarded the train and a few hours later found himself in front of He Tian’s door.

He Tian wasn’t home, he was away on one of his overseas trips which had become more frequent since high school, but Mo Guan Shan took one look at him, pulled him inside, and fed him some homemade dumpling soup. Really good dumpling soup.

So good Zhengxi proposed half-jokingly. “Hey Redhead, marry me instead of He Tian.”

Guan Shan snorted, listed all the reasons why He Tian is a terrible, awful person whom no one in their right mind would marry, and besides it's not even legal anyway - all while filling plastic containers with soup for Zhengxi to take home.

They played video games, Zhengxi fell asleep on the couch, and in the morning it was Guan Shan who thanked him.

“Thanks for coming over, Zhengxi,” he said, “I’m glad you know you don’t have to shoulder everything by yourself.”

“Um, Zhengxi, are you listening?” Xiao Hui’s voice jolts him back to the present.

“Oh, sorry, Xiao Hui,” Zhengxi says. He looks at her, wonders what he's ever done to deserve such interest and devotion. In her case it's true, he supposes - sometimes you can't control who you fall in love with. He feels bad for what he's about to do, for the second time in their acquaintance, but there's no reason to drag this out longer than necessary. He clears his throat. “Listen, Xiao Hui, even though Jian Yi has been gone for four years, nothing's really changed for me with regard to him; there’s never been room for anyone else, in my mind and in my heart -”

Xiao Hui doesn’t even let him finish; she turns away in disgust so violently that her hair flip actually whips Zhengxi in the chest.

“Ow,” he says, then, in a frightened whisper, "holy shit..." 

“Ugh!!!” she shrieks, stomps her foot, and storms out of the bar without another word.

Zhengxi sinks back into the bar stool in relief and motions to the bartender. He orders a beer, then changes his mind; this definitely calls for a shot or two of baijiu. He looks around, searches for He Tian - he could really use that tutorial on how to not piss women off. Instead his eyes rest on Guan Shan, who's not even trying to hide his laughter. "Holy shit," he mouths, pointing in the direction of Xiao Hui's dramatic exit. Zhengxi rolls his eyes and flips him the finger.

Then Jian Yi's rushing toward him, a harried look on his face. "Omigosh Zhengxi are you okay?!! What was that all about?"

Zhengxi smiles. Jian Yi is beautiful, with his skin flushed pink from alcohol. "Everything's fine, baby. Come here," he says, and pulls Jian Yi close. He takes out his phone and snaps several selfies. Jian Yi catches on quickly, poses with his head on Zhengxi's shoulder, then with his lips puckered on Zhengxi's cheek, and what ends up being Zhengxi's favorite, when he sticks his tongue in Jian Yi's ear and captures the look of surprise on Jian Yi's face. Zhengxi looks good in all of them, and not a single one shows him scowling.

 

* * *

 

It's interesting, Zhengxi thinks bitterly, how everyone loves Jian Yi, he's the life of the party, all throughout the night men and women were draping themselves over him and declaring their love and devotion, and yet!, when it comes time to take his drunk ass home, the bar empties out in seconds and everything falls on Zhengxi's shoulders.

Zhengxi half carries Jian Yi out of the bar and stops to take a breather in the cool evening air, a respite from the stuffiness of the bar. It's a nice evening and Jian Yi is docile, huffing cute little breaths on Zhengxi's neck.

“I’ll take him home.”

“Fuck! She Li, you scared the shit out of me!” Was this guy a fucking ninja? Zhengxi wouldn’t put it past him.

Meanwhile Jian Yi is trying to climb onto Zhengxi’s back for a piggyback ride.

She Li stands facing them, effectively sandwiching Zhengxi between himself and Jian Yi, who has successfully climbed aboard Zhengxi’s back and has decided it’s an excellent spot for a nap. “I’ll take him home,” She Li repeats, and this close Zhengxi can see the glint in his golden eyes. “You’ll miss the last train if you don’t hurry.”

“He’s wasted, She Li,” Zhengxi says, struggling with the fully-grown-adult weight of Jian Yi, “and I don’t fucking trust you.”

She Li shrugs. “The night is young, plenty of time to sober up,” he says, licking his lips. He reaches across Zhengxi to caress Jian Yi’s face. “Right, baby?” he coos. He sighs dreamily. “Such beautiful skin.”

If Zhengxi’s hands weren’t occupied trying to stop Jian Yi from falling off his back, he would have thrown a punch right then and there; instead he opts for a knee to the groin, which She Li manages to block in a flash.

“Oh ho ho, this guard dog has some bite.”

“What did I tell you, She Li. Keep your fucking hands off him.” It’s not quite as threatening as Zhengxi would have liked, what with him bent over and Jian Yi drooling on his shoulder.

She Li takes a step back, looks Zhengxi up and down. “Huh,” he says, his interest piqued. He reaches out and starts palming Zhengxi’s pecs. He leans in close and whispers in Zhengxi’s ear, “You know, guard dog, if you’re not content to just watch, feel free to join in. The more, the merrier.”

“I’ve fucking had it with you She Li! You’re asking for it now!” Zhengxi yells. He kicks She Li away, wishes he could somehow control Jian Yi’s limbs so that they could beat him up together like some sort of hybrid mecha.

Zhengxi looks around for a safe spot to leave Jian Yi, to free himself up for the fight and get Jian Yi out of harm’s way in case things get really ugly. He eyes a large potted plant he could possibly lean him up against. He starts moving toward it, but then someone pokes his head outside the bar's door and yells to She Li -

“Oi! Get in here and help clean up after your fucking friends!”

She Li, in the midst of rolling up his shirtsleeves in preparation for the fight, heaves a disappointed sigh. He turns to Zhengxi. “Rain check?” he asks regretfully.

“Just let me know the time and place,” Zhengxi grits out.

“For the threesome, or…?”

_“SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”_

She Li cackles, flips them the finger as he walks back into the bar.

Zhengxi’s arms are going numb. To add insult to injury, Jian Yi bops him on the head, hard, to show his displeasure at being awakened. “Shhh! So loud, Xixi!!!”

“You ungrateful piece of sh-” Zhengxi stops in his tracks. “Jian Yi, what did you just call me?”

“Xixiiiii!!!”

Zhengxi doesn’t know whether to laugh or to cry.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter - what does Xixi have planned for Jian Yi's birthday? Hint: a starry night is involved!


	6. All the Stars are Out Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you don’t agree that Zhan Zheng Xi is a walking, talking hashtagROMANCE, well you’re just wrong...
> 
> I hope you all have your diabetes meds handy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies to Jian Yi’s mother for referring to her as Mrs. Jian; we’re not even sure if she’s married to that a**hole (still? ever?)? In the character set Old Xian just calls her “Jian Yi’s Mom” and I didn’t want to make up a random name for her so here we are.

 

_ONE DAY_

 

Zhengxi had cleared the entirety of Saturday to spend with Jian Yi, but it’s late in the afternoon by the time they meet up at the train station. The late start worked out in the end for both of them; Zhengxi was able to get a few hours of sleep after catching the first train back in the morning - as She Li predicted, he missed the last train - and Jian Yi slept well past lunchtime, so bare traces of the previous night’s hangover are all that remained by the time Jian Yi steps off the train.

“Zhan Zhengxi!!”

Zhengxi wonders if Jian Yi remembers his nickname now that he’s sober.

Jian Yi links arms with him, rests his head on his shoulder, and nuzzles his neck a bit. Zhengxi somehow feels like it’s his birthday too.

“Oooh I like these jeans on you, Xixi!”

Zhengxi looks away to hide his smile, decides against making a big fuss over Jian Yi remembering. He can’t believe how desperate he is to hear it now, when once upon a time he chided Jian Yi for using such a childish pet name. “Huh?”

Jian Yi waggles his eyebrows. “These jeans, you wore them before - they make your ass look great,” he says, patting the area affectionately.

“Oh? I hadn’t noticed,” Zhengxi lies.

“So mom said she found you cleaning the apartment??! You should’ve woken me up for that,” Jian Yi says with a pout.

“Why? It’s not like you would have helped.”

Jian Yi grins. “No, but I would’ve liked to watch.”

“Idiot.”

 

* * *

 

Being back in Jian Yi’s apartment complex was an interesting experience to say the least; it was unavoidable that Zhengxi would be assaulted with memories from the few times he’s been there. One in particular he’s re-lived a thousand times in his daydreams - the night Jian Yi confessed. Yet another he’s tried hard to forget, a nightmare scenario which would later become reality - Jian Yi’s attempted kidnapping.

But there was one thing Zhengxi gained from that night which proved useful in his current situation - experience with handling a drunk, clingy Jian Yi. Armed with the knowledge of Jian Yi’s penchant for judo moves in the bedroom and thus prepared to defend against them, Zhengxi was able to wrangle him into clean, soft clothes without ending up in any compromising positions.

Getting Jian Yi to drink water to lessen the effects of the inevitable hangover proved to be the greater challenge; in the end it was like trying to convince a small child. “Here we go, Jian Yi, I’ll take one sip, then you take one also, okay? You’ll feel much better in the morning, I promise.” Between the two of them they were able to finish an entire bottle of water, much to Zhengxi’s satisfaction.

He tucked Jian Yi in without much trouble, he was soft and pliant and must have been exhausted. Zhengxi lay him on his side and wrapped him up tightly in the blankets, then sat beside him on the bed until his breaths evened out.

He checked his phone - there was no way he was going to catch the last train, even if he took a taxi to the station.

He wasn’t tired yet, probably still had adrenaline coursing through his veins from the aborted fight with She Li. He sat down on the floor by the bed and watched Jian Yi sleep. His face looked younger like this, and Jian Yi will forever be the most beautiful boy he knows, but it struck Zhengxi again how unfair it was that they spent their childhood together, lost four years, and met again as adults. Four years may not seem like a lot compared to a lifetime, but those were pivotal years marking a shift from childhood to adulthood, and Zhengxi took the opportunity now to reconcile his face with that of the sixteen year old he kept unchanged in his mind for the past four years.

After he got his fill, Zhengxi yawned quietly and stretched, then stood up and tiptoed out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him. He surveyed the apartment. Not much changed since the last time he was here, which concerned him. His first thought was that it looked more like a model home, like the ones for show to potential buyers, rather than a place where his best friend lived.

Zhengxi felt the first vestiges of panic creep in. Why were there boxes on the floor? Why were there no new pictures besides the one Zhengxi had seen a long time ago, of baby Jian Yi with his mother? And worst of all was the light layer of dust over most of the furniture, as if the occupants didn’t care enough to leave their mark, the most insignificant evidence of their daily presence.

Zhengxi doubled over, grabbed his chest to stop the rapid rabbiting of his heartbeat. “No!” Zhengxi whispered loudly to himself. “No, he’s not leaving again!”

He calmed down eventually and looked around once again with a critical eye. This place is Jian Yi’s home, and it should feel like a home. He burst into action with renewed determination. First he tackled the throw pillows on the couch, which were limp and lifeless and made him sad. He punched them until they fluffed up with air and he immediately felt better. Then he rummaged around for a duster. He worked quickly and efficiently, fueled by desperation. He trespassed around the apartment until he found a working printer, printed out the least incriminating photo from his phone of the four of them - himself, Jian Yi, He Tian, and Mo Guan Shan - from the birthday party just a few hours ago, and tacked it onto the fridge. He left the rooms alone, but continued on the warpath in the kitchen and dining area.

And that’s how Mrs. Jian found him, rubber gloves on, furiously scrubbing away in an attempt to replicate the sheen of a well-loved kitchen table, worn with use from countless meals with friends and loved ones.

“Zhan Zhengxi?”

Zhengxi whirled around - he hadn’t heard her come in. He mentally added _super stealthy_ to the **YES** column in his _**‘Is Mrs. Jian a spy?’**_ checklist.

“Oh. Hi, Auntie,” Zhengxi said with a respectful nod.

Mrs. Jian leaned against the counter and gave him an affectionate smile. “Did Jian Yi have fun at his birthday party?”

“A bit too much fun, ma’am. He didn’t get sick or anything,” he added hurriedly, suddenly eager to prove that he’s a competent caretaker for Jian Yi, “but it’s best he sleeps it off.”

“I’m so glad he enjoyed it. And thank you, Zhan Zhengxi, for always taking care of him.” Before he could reply with his usual _‘But I wasn’t there when he needed me most!’_ , something behind him caught her eye. It was the photo from the party he stuck on their fridge.

He added _immediately notices small changes in surroundings_ to that **YES** column.

“This is lovely,” she gushed. “Oh my goodness, you are all so handsome! Do you have others?”

He nodded. There was a very nice group picture he considered printing, but She Li was in it so the petty side of him refused. “Yes, I’ll put up a few more.”

“Please do.” She patted him lightly on the back then went to check on her son.

When she came back out, she hovered around the dining area, unsure of what to do with Zhengxi. She had never been the type to host sleepovers for her son and his friends.

Afraid she might excuse herself and retire for the night before Zhengxi got the chance to talk to her, he started preparing tea. She watched him curiously but said nothing, merely took her cue and sat down. For several minutes the only sounds were those from the kitchen, too many drawers and cupboards being opened as Zhengxi made tea in an unfamiliar setting.

“Did you clean, Zhan Zhengxi?” 

“Ah, hehe, yes I did, Auntie,” Zhengxi replied with an awkward laugh, “I tried not to disturb anything but I had excess energy to burn and I couldn’t sleep.”

“Mmm.” She had an unreadable expression on her face, the same one he used to catch glimpses of on Jian Yi back in middle school, but she seemed unbothered by his compulsive cleaning and smiled graciously when he poured tea for her.

Another few minutes of silence, then Zhengxi cleared his throat. Mrs. Jian looked at him expectantly. “Auntie, what happened to Jian Yi?” he asked, point-blank.

She sighed and looked away. “I’m sorry, my dear, but the less you know, the safer you are.”

If he were Mo Guan Shan he would have thrown his tea bowl against the wall in outrage; instead he maintained his outwardly calm demeanor and kept his voice even. “With all due respect, ma’am, I think I deserve more than that.”

She looked at him shrewdly, not at all surprised by his reply, as if she knew he wouldn’t give up so easily. “Fair enough,” she conceded.

Zhengxi waited patiently while she topped up her tea. Finally she began. “The ones who kidnapped him on his way to school were not his father’s men."

Zhengxi made a choked noise, and Mrs. Jian looked at him with concern. "I knew it," he mumbled. "He would never have left without saying goodbye. So he really was kidnapped."

Mrs. Jian reached out and gave his arm a gentle squeeze. She knew, of course, how special the bond was between the two boys. She still remembered the day her son came home having made his first friend in their new hometown. Zhan Zhengxi was all he talked about back then, and that didn't change much in the decade to come.

“They took Jian Yi as ransom. A very risky move, on their part, as Mr. Jian has never been known to give in to anyone’s demands,” she continued. “They didn’t hurt him, thank god! They were aware that if he had so much as a tiny scratch on him, well, they knew what kind of man Mr. Jian is.”

Zhengxi didn't ask her to elaborate. He’s had inklings from the past, bits and pieces he picked up from when he attempted to search for Jian Yi on his own.

"They were quite professional, very organized. And perhaps I shouldn't tell you this..." she trailed off, but a desperate look from Zhengxi forced her to continue, “but they had you on their radar, Zhan Zhengxi, they knew how important you were to him. And whenever he tried to escape they threatened to harm you. They had pictures of you - from when you were camped outside this building - to prove to my son that they knew your whereabouts at all times and could grab you and hurt you whenever they wanted."

Zhengxi remembered. How many days immediately following Jian Yi's disappearance did he keep watch over this building, day and night, barely sleeping or eating, hoping to catch a glimpse of Jian Yi or his mother, or even that asshole Brother Qiu. It was all he had to go on at the time. To think that those people not only witnessed his despair but used it to bend Jian Yi to their will made him see red. He gripped his tea bowl so tightly his knuckles were white.

“Who were they?” he demanded. 

She looked at him straight in the eye. “Mr. Jian already took care of them,” she said, eerily calm. Zhengxi didn’t bother asking for details.

They sat in silence for a while, sipping their tea.

She went on. “Mr. Jian found them, of course he did, and Jian Yi was reunited with his father. And here I must apologize, Zhan Zhengxi, because there are gaps in the story which I can’t fill, and unless Jian Yi’s memories come back, he won’t be able to either. But I wasn’t privy to Jian Yi’s... interactions... with his father during those years. The accident took place while Jian Yi was under his care,” she finished, sounding bitter.

Zhengxi sighed and rubbed his temples. He could feel his energy seeping out, his second wind finally winding down. “So what now?”

“Mr. Jian made a promise to me a long time ago. He’s attempted to break that promise several times but never fully succeeded,” she said. “I won’t go into detail, because with regard to Mr. Jian the less you know the better off you are.” She held up her hand before Zhengxi could protest. “In essence, I wanted Jian Yi to be fully grown, to have a mind of his own and a strong moral core before meeting his father. I even considered a gap year after high school, with you, and sending the two of you to travel around the world to learn how other people lived, to see just how much of it there is outside China. And only then would I allow them to meet. Jian Yi would be armed with enough knowledge and experience to decide for himself if the life Mr. Jian is offering is one that he truly wants.” She sighed. “Well, that was the plan anyway. Like I said, I don’t know what sort of agreement, if any, Jian Yi made with his father the past few years. And now with his amnesia...”

Zhengxi stared into his empty tea bowl. Weren’t there people who claimed to read fortunes in the leaves in the bottom of tea cups?

“But if it’s any comfort to you, Zhan Zhengxi, Jian Yi is safe now; he will not be taken away against his will ever again, either by his father or someone else.”

Mrs. Jian excused herself soon after. Zhengxi sat alone in the dining room for a long time. His conversation with Mrs. Jian left him with more questions than answers, but by the time the teapot cooled completely he had come up with a rough plan.

  1. Meet with Mr. Jian face-to-face.
  2. ???
  3. _Together, forever_ with Jian Yi.



Well, it was a very rough plan...

 

* * *

 

“Jian Yi you are way too excited for this,” Zhengxi says, watching Jian Yi bounce around on the way to his apartment. “We’re not even going anywhere.”

Jian Yi doesn’t reply, merely gives him a knowing look and a smile so sweet that Zhengxi softens and allows himself an indulgent hair fluff. Jian Yi leans into slightly.

Zhengxi can see his apartment building up ahead, but he turns at the next corner and leads them on a short detour. They stop in front of a quaint-looking café, pastel-hued and cheery, somewhat at odds with its surroundings. There are a few small tables and wicker chairs outside, most of them occupied by university students.

“Is this where you work?!” Jian Yi asks, face already plastered in front of the display glass window.

“Yeah. It’s European style, all the rage in Shanghai apparently. It’s a bit late in the day, so a lot of stuff is sold out, but usually those trays are filled with French pastries like croissants and eclairs. I had to learn how to make these fancy coffee drinks with foam and shit.”

“Do you wear those aprons, too?” Jian Yi asks delightedly.

All of the staff are wearing pale green aprons. One of them catches sight of Zhengxi and waves hello before approaching them.

“Hey, Zhan Zhengxi. What a gorgeous day, huh? You’re so lucky you have the day off!” He nods amiably to Jian Yi.

“Xu Zhilan, this is Jian Yi, my best friend since childhood. Xu Zhilan’s one of the managers here,” Zhengxi explains to Jian Yi as the two shake hands.

“This place is so cute!” Jian Yi says.

“Oh, thank you!” Xu Zhilan says with a small bow. “Are you guys just hanging out?”

“It was my birthday a few days ago, so we’ve been celebrating all weekend,” Jian Yi replies with a big grin.

Xu Zhilan claps his hands excitedly. “Oh wow, happy birthday! Wait here!” He gestures to the two of them to sit in one of the outdoor tables and runs back inside the café.

Zhengxi shrugs his shoulders at Jian Yi’s questioning glance.

When Xu Zhilan comes back out, he’s carrying a dessert plate with a fluffy white concoction on it. He beams down at Jian Yi. “Here you go - on the house!”

“Whoa, this looks amazing! Thank you so much! What is it?” Jian Yi asks.

Zhengxi holds up his hands. “Ugh, don’t look at me, I can’t even pronounce the damn thing.”

Xu Zhilan laughs. “It’s a merveilleux,” he explains, “‘mer-ve-yoos’, a small cake with layers of meringue and whipped cream, and we have some chocolate shavings on the outside.”

“I think you’ll like it,” Zhengxi says. Anything he found sickeningly sweet, Jian Yi always used to like. “Thanks, Xu Zhilan.”

“Yeah, sure. You guys want anything to drink?”

“Milk tea, please, with ice,” Jian Yi says happily.

“Oolong latte,” Zhengxi says, then stands up. “I can make the drinks, if you’re busy.”

“No, it’s fine, sit down! Enjoy yourselves!” Xu Zhilan pats Zhengxi on the shoulder for him to sit back down.

When they’re settled with their drinks, Zhengxi has to turn his chair to face the street and pretend he’s people watching to stop himself from grabbing Jian Yi and licking the cream off his face.

Jian Yi leans back in his chair, supremely satisfied after licking the plate clean. “That was delicious! And so sweet of your manager to treat me.” He looks around the cafe. “It must be nice working here with people like that,” he adds wistfully. I wish I had a part-time job like this too. Even Redhead’s working now. I feel like I’m way behind everyone else.”

“So many things were out of your control, Jian Yi, it’s not your fault. You’ll catch up. All of us - me, He Tian, Redhead - everyone’s here to support you.”

Jian Yi nods, but he still seems a bit melancholy.

“Have you thought of what you want to do after high school?” Zhengxi asks tentatively, keeping his tone light.

“Hmmm… you’re in the medical college, right?”

Zhengxi smiles. “If you want to attend the same school as me, we might have one or two years overlap so it’s possible, but Zhejiang University’s huge, Jian Yi - they have everything, you can study whatever you want, it doesn’t have to be medicine.”

Jian Yi props his chin in his hands and ponders his future.

“Maybe law? Not a courtroom lawyer, though. Maybe a judge? I’m not sure why, I just sort of have a feeling. Like I want to help the underrepresented or something.”

Zhengxi looks at him. It’s the first he’s heard of this, and he likes it. He closes his eyes, looks up at the sky, and prays to any relevant _shen_ that Jian Yi will be able to forge his own path, shape his own future, because - “You would be so great at that, Jian Yi. You were always the first to call out bullies and stand up against them, even if your loud mouth got you in trouble. And you never hesitated to offer everything you had to help out your friends.”

Jian Yi looks bashful. “Really? I did that?”

“You’re heart might be too big, though,” Zhengxi teases, “you’ll probably just side with whoever has the most dramatic sob story.”

Jian Yi laughs. They share a moment of companionable silence, but what he says immediately afterward makes Zhengxi’s heart drop. “I might have to meet with my father before I decide, though. I haven’t spoken to him since the accident but people keep hinting that he has a job lined up for me.”

Zhengxi clenches his fist under the table. “People? Like who, your mom?”

Jian Yi shakes his head. “No, she doesn’t really talk about my dad. There’s this guy, Brother Qiu -”

“Yeah, we’re acquainted,” Zhengxi grumbles. He sighs, chooses his next words carefully. “Did you know for as long as we’ve known each other, I’ve never met your father?”

“Really?”

“If you hear from him, or even Brother Qiu, will you let me know right away? Maybe I can even go with you when you meet him, for moral support.” He tries not to sound as panicked as he feels when he adds, “And if for any reason you can’t get in touch with me, you should let either He Tian or Mo Guan Shan know. I just... because of what happened last time, I’d rather you didn’t face him alone.”

Jian Yi looks at him curiously. “You’d do that? I’d really like that. I don’t remember what he’s like but I have a feeling he’s kinda intimidating.” Jian Yi looks down at his hands on his lap. “I’d rather not face him alone, either.”

Zhengxi reaches out for Jian Yi’s hand. “Tell me everything, okay? You used to, when we were kids. We’ll figure it out together.” Ignoring the pragmatic concerns of sweaty palms and the residual stickiness from Jian Yi’s birthday treat, Zhengxi threads his fingers through Jian Yi’s and gives a gentle squeeze.

_I have super powers, I’ll send you strength, you have to hold on tight._

 

* * *

 

They stop by the convenience store across from Zhengxi’s apartment building for some snacks - “Should’ve hired Guan Shan to cater us a picnic,” Zhengxi muses. Jian Yi makes a face when Zhengxi asks him if they should buy a few beers.

“No more drinking,” Jian Yi says, “I can’t really hold that much alcohol.”

“Yeah, no shit.”

Zhengxi’s apartment is small and while not exactly pristine, he did make an effort to clean up the worst of the telltale signs of a young man living by himself with no one to hold him accountable - no dirty dishes in the sink, clothes (mostly) off the floor, empty beer bottles in the recycling bin.

They hang out for a while, and it’s almost exactly like the old days. They play video games, Jian Yi makes fun of Zhengxi’s manhua, pokes his nose in all of his things, and makes a permanent Jian-Yi-shaped dent in his small couch.

As soon as the sun goes down, Zhengxi puts his console away and stands up. “Alright, let’s get going.”

He tosses Jian Yi a large bundle wrapped in a blanket and instructs him to grab the large cushions off the couch.

“Ahhh Xixi, what are we doing? Where are we going? What’s happening??!”

Zhengxi ignores him and walks toward the door, slipping on his shoes. He places a bag of snacks and drinks on top of a box before picking both up and motioning for Jian Yi to follow him.

They take the stairs all the way to the top floor, and Zhengxi uses a key the landlord lent him to access the roof.

Zhengxi puts Jian Yi to work arranging the blankets and pillows. Meanwhile, he takes a portable, battery-operated projector out of the box and starts to fiddle with it. It takes a couple more trips back to Zhengxi’s apartment to grab extra pillows and futons, but by the time Jian Yi has arranged everything to his liking, Zhengxi’s paired his phone with the projector, and a bright screen is projected onto the wall of the utilities shed on the roof. He connects a small set of speakers to his phone and places it by their head.

Jian Yi gasps. “Are we watching a movie outdoors?!”

“We are,” Zhengxi replies with a proud smile. He did a practice run last week to make sure all the equipment worked properly, but even he’s impressed with how well everything turned out tonight. It’s a beautiful evening, and it’s quiet up on the roof, far from the din of the streets below. The ‘screen’ isn’t impressively huge, but it’s several times larger than even He Tian’s television and certainly has the same effect as an outdoor cinema but more intimate.

Beside him he hears a sniffle. He looks at Jian Yi worriedly. “Is everything okay? Are you cold?”

“Everything’s perfect,” Jian Yi says shakily. “This is so nice, Zhengxi.”

Zhengxi relaxes. “You used to bug me all the time about going to the movies with you, but I never really liked movie theaters - the volume is always way too high, the air in there is so stale, some people just won’t shut up. That’s how I came up with this idea for your birthday, I thought it might be a nice way to watch a movie together. Do you like it?”

Jian Yi nods his head. “I love it.”

Zhengxi draws him in for a hug. “Happy birthday, Jian Yi.”

They break apart eventually. Jian Yi wipes his nose on Zhengxi’s t-shirt. “Ugh, gross!” Zhengxi says, giving him a playful shove.

“Hehe. So what are we watching?”

“So Jian Yi,” Zhengxi says with a teasing grin, “you used to have a thing for Captain America when we were little. He’s one of the biggest Marvel comic book superheroes. He was all about fighting bullies, justice and fairness, never giving up on friends, etcetera. Let’s see...” Zhengxi had read somewhere that amnesiacs remember faces, though not always contextually. He’s not sure if it applies to celebrities, but just in case, he brings up images of Captain America from the Marvel movies on his phone which are then projected onto the screen. He snorts. “You used to have a crush on the actor who plays Captain America in the movies, too.”

“Is that right?” Jian Yi studies the pictures Zhengxi had chosen of Chris Evans as Captain America. He sees the sandy-blond close-cropped hair, the blue-gray eyes, the strong jaw set in grim determination. “I can’t imagine why,” he murmurs demurely, looking up at Zhengxi through his lashes.

Zhengxi’s glad it’s dark outside now, it hides the blush spreading across his face. He clears his throat. “Anyway, I almost chose one of the Marvel films but there are a shit-ton of them now and it might be hard to follow without context. So instead we’re watching _Snowpiercer_. It’s a standalone action flick with Chris Evans. I’ve seen it already, but I think you’ll enjoy it, it’s really unique.”

After one more trip downstairs to make popcorn and use the toilet, they finally settle into the plush nest Jian Yi assembled, lying within arm’s reach of each other. Moments before the opening credits roll, a particular memory comes unbidden to Zhengxi and he lets out a chuckle before he can stop himself.

Jian Yi gives him a curious look. “What is it? What’s so funny?”

Zhengxi shakes his head. “Nothing. I just remembered you used to wear these ridiculous star-spangled briefs back in middle school.” He can still see them clearly, hanging on his window where Jian Yi had left them to air dry.

Jian Yi is on him in an instant. “Oh, yeah? When did you see my underwear, huh, Zhan Zhengxi?!!”

“Ow, stop! I saw your underwear all the time, dumbass!”

“I need details, Xixi,” Jian Yi demands, relentless in his tickle assault.

“Gym class,” Zhengxi deadpans.

“Liar!!” Jian Yi yells as they continue to tussle.

“Haha. Get off me, asshole! The movie’s about to start!”

 

* * *

 

Nevermind that Zhengxi’s already seen the movie, or that he takes his handheld console out as soon as a filthy, bearded Chris Evans secures Jian Yi’s rapt attention; nevermind that he has to run down to his apartment every half hour to make popcorn whenever Jian Yi nudges the empty bowl toward him; nevermind that Zhengxi has to finish Jian Yi’s half eaten sandwiches after every failed attempt to get him to eat something more substantial.

There’s no place he’d rather be than here, under the stars with his best friend.

They pack up after the credits roll; or rather, Zhengxi packs up while Jian Yi gives an enthusiastic review of the film and clumsily re-enacts the bloody axe-wielding sequence.

“Such a shame to go back downstairs, Xixi,” Jian Yi says, face turned toward the sky, “it’s a beautiful night.”

“Mmm, I was thinking the same thing,” Zhengxi agrees. “Stay here, I’ll go make some coffee.”

Zhengxi returns with two mugs of frothy lattes and hands one to Jian Yi carefully, so as not to disturb the foam.

“Xixi! You made a heart on it!!” Jian Yi squeals with delight.

“Eh, a heart is like, the novice level of foam art,” Zhengxi says with a shrug, “it’s the easiest shape to make.” He could have made a foam leaf, too, but he doesn’t tell him that. Only a heart would do for his Jian Yi.

They had packed up all the blankets and cushions, so they sit on the roof with their backs against the wall that Zhengxi had used as a movie screen.

“Tonight’s been amazing, Xixi, thank you,” Jian Yi says.

“I’m glad you liked it. We can do this again sometime.”

Jian Yi nods eagerly.

They sip their lattes in comfortable silence. Jian Yi gets a bit of foam at the tip of his nose trying to get every last bit of it out of the mug. “Tsk,” Zhengxi says, then wipes it off with his finger and licks it. Jian Yi sighs happily and shifts over to sit closer.

“Say, Xixi…,” Jian Yi says shyly, “everyone says we we used to be inseparable, that we were together all the time. Did we really never kiss or anything, maybe out of curiosity or even, you know, just to try?”

“I did kiss you, seriously, once,” Zhengxi replies, looking down at his latte, “but not in the way you’re probably thinking.”

“Oh?” Jian Yi asks, shoving his face so close to Zhengxi’s his breath tickles his cheek.

Zhengxi knows he’s being tricked, but he does it anyway. He grabs hold of the back of Jian Yi’s head and pulls him in, noting how Jian Yi’s pulse quickens, then plants a gentle, lingering kiss on his forehead.

“Oh.” Jian Yi sounds mildly disappointed.

“Hey now, don’t make light of it, it was a very important moment in my life,” Zhengxi says with a fond smile. “I’ll tell you about it someday.”

“It’s just that I like you so much now, Xixi, and I’ve only been back a few months. It’s kind of surprising, is all,” Jian Yi says with a shrug.

Zhengxi doesn’t say anything for several minutes as he gathers his thoughts. He’s never been good with putting his emotions into words, unlike Jian Yi, whose brain-to-mouth filter is practically nonexistent.

“You were my best friend, Jian Yi,” Zhengxi begins slowly, “our friendship was the single most important thing to me in the whole world - the whole universe. I didn’t want to fuck it up.” His voice starts to crack, and Jian Yi edges even closer and puts an arm around him and gives him an encouraging smile.

“It was inevitable, I think, that we would eventually consider being more than just friends. Looking back on it now, I was probably over-cautious,” Zhengxi admits, “but I’ve always known that once we crossed that line, it would be forever. There would be no one else for me in this lifetime, and the next, and the one after that. And that’s why I agonized over every little thing; I wanted to be absolutely sure, for both our sakes and for the sake of our friendship. I took my time because I thought we would have forever.”

Jian Yi says nothing, just holds him tenderly. He turns his body to the side so that he can cradle Zhengxi’s head on his chest.

Zhengxi knows now, without a doubt, that the heartbeat thumping in his ear is from the same heart that has always loved him, and loves him still.

_Whether it was before, or in the future, only you._

Zhengxi huffs out a laugh. “Sorry, Jian Yi, you didn’t ramble so much, you said it so much better than I did when you confessed to me.”

“Hah! I knew it!” Jian Yi says triumphantly. “There’s no way I wouldn’t have tried something! You did good, though, Xixi,” he adds in a gentle tone.

They hold each other for a long time, until their positions and the hard concrete roof become uncomfortable. Zhengxi stands up and helps Jian Yi to his feet.

“Hey look, that star’s moving!”

Zhengxi looks up. “Idiot, that’s a plane, not a star. You can’t really see the stars clearly from here.”

“Awww, that’s a shame.”

“I know a spot though, back home, that’s perfect for stargazing,” Zhengxi says quietly. “I took you there for your birthday once.”

Jian Yi shakes him excitedly. “So romantic, Xixi!”

“Eh, I guess so. We even made wishes upon the stars.”

“Yeah? What did you wish for?”

Zhengxi shrugs. “It doesn’t matter, it didn’t come true when I needed it most. I’m never wishing on a fucking star again.”

“Don’t be like that, Xixi,” Jian Yi says with a pout.

Zhengxi turns to face him. “No more leaving my fate to the stars,” he murmurs. He tucks an errant strand of hair behind Jian Yi’s ear, then traces a path with his fingers down to his pulse point, rests his hand lightly on his throat. Jian Yi gulps, and Zhengxi follows the action with his thumb. He looks up to meet Jian Yi’s eyes. “I’ve decided to take charge of my own fate,” Zhengxi says, “starting now.”

He pulls Jian Yi in for a kiss.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter this author will try to keep all the dicks straight. Wait, poor choice of words, LOL. Finally the E rating will come into play! 
> 
> Feel free to leave comments, they really encourage me! Thank you for reading!


End file.
